The Difference Between Identity and Insults

This is an argument that has come up a lot lately and I wanted to clarify my position. 

I think we can all agree that there’s a difference between saying “I’m gay” as an identity and saying “that’s gay” as in insult. This doesn’t mean that intent is magic, because it isn’t. “I didn’t mean it like that” isn’t a valid argument. If you are insulting someone using an identity (which may or may not be theirs), it is an insult to people who claim that identity. There’s no “it doesn’t mean that anymore.” If you use someone’s identity as an insult, they are going to be insulted. THAT IS THE POINT OF INSULTS.

For example, I claim queer as my identity in terms of sexual orientation, for many reasons. I am still offended by the use of queer as an insult. The same goes for any homophobic slurs and any slurs in general. You can claim whatever you want as your identity, but that does not mean it is okay to use the same words as an insult. It all comes down to power and agency. It comes down to the difference between using something in an affirming way and using something to demean someone.

There are so many other circumstances in life where something is appropriate in one context and not in another. Why is this one so hard for people to understand?

Yes, I call myself queer and lame and a gimp, but that does not mean that I think it’s okay to use any of those words as an insult, in any circumstance.  And it doesn’t mean that I won’t be offended if you insult me with those words. Offense being the point of insults, after all.